The #BBCAN Crystal Ball

I conjured up my Ouija board tarot cards magic wand crystal ball tonight, and here's what it had to say about what the next few weeks hold, as the last group of Big Brother Canada contestants are released into the big wide world.

Jury House Stew

AJ: Bearing the curse of the forgotten first jury member, AJ will cultivate a small Twitter following, which will dip when he confuses followers by still referring to himself in the third person, making them think it's a fan account. Joins his friend Murtz for a double interviewing act for awhile, further confusing the issue.

The Emperor of His Own Doom

Alec: His relationship with Topaz will last longer than anyone expects, largely because he's too insecure to end it publicly at first. He will move in with Peter as planned and create that Sheyld Youtube channel I've been rooting for all along, focusing on entertaining and often wildly incorrect Big Brother game analysis. He will also realize, much to his relief, that nobody in the psychology world gives a goddamn whether or not his wiener showed on Canadian cable access (it didn't). 

Topaz Glitter

Topaz: Will stay with Alec a little longer, just to stick it to the haters, because she's stubborn like that. Eventually she'll give up and dump him, within a couple months of watching his Diary Rooms and simultaneously getting bored with him. Will be amazing on Twitter.

Marsha's Favorite

Peter: After a couple of months of moping over Liza, will sleep with her once and then move on to try to date either someone from the Big Brother US crew, or a moose. His depression over missing Dan's visit to the house will be alleviated when Dan has him on a webchat, one of the many podcast appearances Peter will be making in addition to his own Youtube channel.

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Andrew: Will move in for the kill when Emmett and Jillian break up, but fail and end up dating one of Jillian's sisters instead. Will also spend months, if not years, complaining on Twitter about how the game was stolen from him by Dan Alec Production Emmett Marsha the Moose.

No, Talla, We Don't

Talla:  Tries to trademark Do You Love It t-shirts, but sales are poor. Starts her own Youtube channel, but ratings are low. Will live on forever in countless .gifs. 

Zoe's Brother

Gary: Where do we start? Big Brother Canada All-Stars, Big Brother US special visit, featured in the Toronto gay pride parade, starts working up his fabulous drag routine for a national tour. Gary conquers the world.

Look at Jillian... looking

Jillian: After Emmett dumps her shortly after the show, will mope a bit before getting on with her normal life and disappearing. I can't come up with anything more colorful than that. It's Jillian.

Milkman

Emmett: Waits a month or two before dumping Jillian, just long enough to make it look like it was maybe real. Will enjoy his newfound riches back on the dairy farm, ride in the Toronto Gay Pride parade with Gary, and enjoy playing the field in Nova Scotia.